returns
by matchboxcars
Summary: They look like stupid idiots smiling at the apocalypse outside their window. Or what should have been.
1. Chapter 1

Alex hasn't been back two days when Cragen calls her. She's not even sure how he knows that she is in New York.

" I need you to find Olivia."

"Hi to you too Don."

"Sorry. There's been a shooting. Elliot had to take down a teenager. He's done. We don't know where Olivia is. I need you to find her."

"For what? What do you mean Elliot's done? Don, what the hell?"

"Just go get her. Keep her safe. I would do it myself, but I've got about twenty IAB rats running around and the Chief of D's just got here and he is not going to let me out of sight anytime soon. Thanks Alex."

She wants to stay home. She missed her apartment while she was in Washington. She planned on sitting on her couch listening to New York outside the window, drink a glass of wine, go to bed early to be back in her office by seven.

"Fucking SVU," she mumbles to herself, grabbing her coat off sofa. "Fucking Olivia."

She wants to say she hates this, tromping all over the city looking for a lost detective, but the truth is she loves it, loves her tired feet, the old taxi cabs, the way New York slides all over her like a lover, a coat. She finds her eventually, slung over the bar, slamming down a shot of tequila. And oh, she looks good. She has never looked better than with someone else's blood in her hair, shaking hands, tired face. Olivia looks so perfect in the fall. Alex is surprised at her forgetting that, the way Olivia grows at the end of summer like blackberry, bearing fruit amongst her thorns as an offering for all the scratches on your ankles. She's not sure how she's going to approach this. She doesn't do things like this. But there's an empty seat right next to her and it is the obvious move. Olivia looks at her but doesn't say anything, just motions for another shot. While she is downing it, Alex looks her over. Blood that isn't hers is in a few places, under her fingernails, in her hair, on her sweater, but she doesn't look the worse for wear. No bullet holes, no concussion. This is okay, this isn't life or death. All the dying is over for today. She can do this.

Olivia is staring at her. She looks drunk. Olivia never gets drunk.

"Cragen said Elliot is-"

"He's gone Alex."

"How do you know? Did he tell you?"

"He didn't say anything."

"He didn't say goodbye?"

"No."

She knows better than to question this. She wonders what he is doing now, where he is. She wonders if Olivia thinks she has no one left.

…..

"Listen, Olivia," They have been at the bar for an hour now. They haven't talked. "Why don't you come home with me, I don't think you should be alone."

Olivia doesn't answer her, the fight Alex expected never arises, and soon they are in a taxi, in Alex's apartment, and Alex doesn't know how to handle this. Olivia is standing in her doorway with glazed over eyes and she looks so, so good and it is all so, so bad.

"I'm sorry," this is the first sentence the woman has uttered in over an hour and Alex can only look at her. "I shouldn't, you shouldn't have to. I can go. You just got back, you probably didn't even want to see me,"

Olivia's eyes are working across the room, her hands are scraping one another, scratching and pulling at cuticles. Alex has seen this before, when things got tough, the way Olivia would dig a nail into her skin, push down, the occasional pen pressed into the flesh of her thumb, it always made her hands ache to push the weapon away, grab Olivia's hands. This is her house now so she can do this, she can. She is holding Olivia's hands and they are so, so soft. Olivia is shaking from head to toe and this is killing her, it is too much.

"You've still got blood,"

"Sister Peg, she uh, she…"

"I know. Come on, you need to get this off of you"

Olivia stands in the middle of her bathroom. Alex swallows hard. This is proving more difficult every minute. The woman is exhausted. Drunk. Her mind, the rational part of her, tells her to leave, to let Olivia stand all alone in the bathroom, sob in the shower, and stumble out more pulled together than when she left, a better closet to hide the day in. But her heart, that demon that always pumped a little faster whenever she was in the room has her unbuttoning Olivia's blouse and whispering "it's okay," as tears fill brown eyes. Her only thought as she steps into the shower behind Olivia and fills her hands with soap is that she is going to get to share a bed with Olivia tonight, and it is all wrong but it might be all she ever wanted.


	2. Chapter 2

Cragen returns her text message with a phone call at midnight. He's out of breath and she wonders if he ran up to the ceiling to have this conversation with her.

"You found her?"

"Yeah, she's okay. She's asleep, or passed out or something."

"She's okay?"

"Yeah, Don, she's okay. I'll tell her to call you in the morning."

"She's meeting with IAB at noon."

"How's Elliot?"

"Packed up his desk. Answered all the questions they asked him. Went home."

"He didn't say goodbye to her."

"I know."

"I uh, I think I'm going to go to bed. I'll drop by tomorrow."

His 'thank you' rolls into her ear so full she thinks he might be on the verge of tears. Olivia is asleep in her bed, wet hair covering half her face, knees tucked to her chest. She let Alex wash her, staring full eyed and shaking while Alex scrubbed the blood from under her fingernails, lathered shampoo into her hair, pink swirling down the drain. She hadn't said a word until Alex turned off the tap and wrapped the woman in a towel, and even then, a whispered thank you was all she was given. Olivia looks at her like a ghost, Alex thinks, and maybe she is a ghost. Maybe Olivia won't be there in the morning to ask her how she ended up in bed, fully clothed, with her former, and now present, coworker.

Olivia is there when she wakes up, fully clothed, sitting on the kitchen counter talking to Cragen. The coffee is already brewed. Olivia has found the fruit loops. The phone conversation is filled from Olivia's side with "I'm fines" and "Yes, I'm staying" and "how's Elliot" and "what do you mean?" This takes ten minutes. Alex doesn't know what to do in her own kitchen with Olivia there eating her cereal and drinking her coffee. Finally, "I'll be there," and the phone is put away. Olivia, on her counter, eating cereal, is _cute. _She isn't supposed to be cute, Alex thinks, she is supposed to be sad and shaken and not as kissable as she is now. Oh, Alex wants to kiss her. It could be so easy.

"Hi Alex,"

She swallows. Olivia looks okay. She looks good. She isn't crying or trembling or yelling. She's looking at Alex, who is scratching her head.

"Hi."

"I uh. Wow. Yesterday was really fucked up."

"So I hear."

Olivia is bouncing her leg off the counter. It's annoying, endearing. Alex sighs, pours a cup of coffee. Olivia's hand rests on top of hers just as she is putting the pot onto the carafe.

"Thank you. I was a mess. I don't know why that happened. You didn't have to do that."

"I know. I wanted to."

"I missed you."

She missed her too. Washington was all red tape and stalling. She would sit through meetings that dragged on for monotonous hours and imagine Olivia running the show, throwing staff left and right all over the Congo to rescue the oppressed. Months and months of loneliness for nothing, except to be missed.

"I missed you too."

"Was it worth it?"  
>"Not really, no."<p>

"Why do you eat fruit loops, counselor?"

Olivia is smiling. Smiling. Alex is smiling too. She finds this bizarre, that hell has broken loose and they are in her kitchen, smiling at each other. Olivia has a hangover and she is dog-tired and they look like stupid idiots smiling at the apocalypse outside their window. Or what should have been.

"Are you okay Olivia?"

"No. But I will be."

"Cragen said Elliot already-"

"I know. It's okay."

"But he's-"

"He's going to need some time Alex. Maybe forever. It's alright."

"But from you?"

"Especially from me. He shouldn't have had to take that shot."

"You couldn't have-"

"It doesn't matter."

Olivia is looking at her, and Alex marvels at this, the normality, the ease. This could be easy, normal.

"You're going to be okay?"

"Yeah. Yeah. I'll be fine, Alex. It happened. Now it's time to pick up the pieces."

This version of Olivia, kitchen Olivia, is shocking and perfect and giving her a look so kind and calm that Alex's fingers are twitching with confusion. And then she kisses her, just like that, her jumping fingers jump to Olivia's face and then there are lips and questions in those lips and answers that say maybe this could mean things don't have to be so complicated.


	3. Chapter 3

Authors note: Thanks so much for all the kind reviews guys! I really appreciate it! Also, spoilers for perversion in this chapter, and some harsh language.

Alex spends the day refitting herself into the DA's office, catching up with old coworkers, putting things into her desk, reading through case files. It feels good, this return to home, this remembering of purpose. By noon, though, she is anxious, her stomach twisted and jumpy from too much coffee. With a purpose she hadn't expected, even from herself, she shuts the file, throws what is left of her sandwich into the trash, and makes her way to squad room.

Munch and Fin are debating a case at their desks, and it strikes Alex how quickly they return to normal after a disaster. Almost normal. Elliot's desk is bare. His rosary is next to Olivia' picture of them, and Alex wonders if she took it or if he left it there, the last sacred thing they had to offer each other. Cragen sees her and pulls her into his office.

"Thanks again Alex,"

"It was no problem, Don, really. You have nothing to thank me for."

"How was she, when you found her?"  
>"Drunk."<p>

"Right."

He looks like a father. She wonders if Olivia knows the way this man cares for her, loves her and worries up about her. Elliot told her once that Olivia brings the Captain Chinese and watches old movies with him all night on the anniversary of his wife's death, that she brings him flowers on Valentine's Day and a cake on his birthday. Like a daughter. These two quiet, lonely people.

"She seemed okay when we left this morning."

"Well, I hope she's got a good fight in her. Tucker's on a tear this morning."

"What's he wanted with her? She didn't cause this."

"She didn't have to. He told me this morning he thought she was a liability, taking too many risks."

"You mind if I watch the interview with you?"

"Just don't let anyone see you do it Counselor."

Olivia and Tucker are already seated when Cragen taps the window to let them know they can start. Olivia has her hands on the table, is leaning back in the chair as if to show she is relaxed, but Alex can see the tension in her brow, the nervous bouncing of her legs.

"Detective Benson,"

"Tucker."

"Where's your partner?"

"I don't know," He hasn't called her, Alex wonders. Olivia looks perfectly calm and he hasn't called her. '

"What happened yesterday"?

"You know what happened."

"I want to hear it from you/"

"A vic smuggled a gun in and shot the three men responsible in her mother's murder and rape."

"How did she get the gun?"

"I don't know,"

"Who shot her?

"Elliot."

"Why Elliot?"

"He managed to pull his weapon out from his desk, he had a clear shot."

"Did you have a clear shot?"

"I didn't have my piece."

"Why not?"

"It was in my locker.

"Why did Stabler have his weapon in his desk?"

"I don't know/"

"Is it true that Stabler mortgaged his house in order to bail you out of jail?"

"That has nothing to do with his."

"What was so desperate that a cop can't stay overnight in jail?"

"Nothing that pertains to this case."

Olivia is gripping the table, white knuckled, brows drawn down over her eyes. To her right, Cragen whispers, "shit." She feels utterly lost. Short of paying for Langan, she hadn't been there for that case, had been drafted into a huge white collar case that had her working day and night to prepare.

"It pertains to this case if I say it does, Benson."

"Why?"

"Because this department is a shit storm and the only common denominator is you."

Olivia says nothing. To her right, Cragen is muttering expletives under his breath and tapping his fingers frenetically on the rim of the window.

"Your partner put up bail for you because he didn't want you to spend the night in jail because the last time you were locked up you were undercover and a CO sexually assaulted you, is that correct?"

Cragen bangs his hand on the wall "Fuck,"

Olivia looks at Tucker, her back straight, her eyes meeting his. "Yes."

Alex feels as if she can't breathe. She hadn't put it together. She hadn't been there for that case and she hadn't put it together when Elliot had come to her that night after he bailed her out, talked about the panic attack his partner had out in the parking lot when they finally got her signed out. How sad he had looked, how lost at how fucked up it had all gotten.

"And after the attack you suffered from post traumatic stress disorder?"

"Yes."

"You sought counseling outside of company?"

"Yes."

"Why"

"So rats like you wouldn't come sniffing."

"Your psych eval says you have a family history of alcoholism."

"Yes."

"Your mother?"

"Who else?"  
>"Do you have a problem with alcohol Detective?"<p>

"No."

"Do you drink?"

"Sometimes."

"On the job?"  
>"Never"<p>

"Where you drinking yesterday?"

"After work."

"During?"  
>"No, never. What are you getting at?"<p>

"I'm just trying to put together how it was that you didn't take that shot."

"I didn't' have my weapon."

"I don't buy that Benson."

"I wasn't selling. It's the truth."

"You let your partner, father of five, shoot a kid?"

"It wasn't my choice."

"wasn't it Or were you drunk? Having a flash back?"

"It should have been my shot. He shouldn't have had to do that."

Cragen is pacing now, yelling "shut up" at the window. Alec wants this interview to end, she wants to pull Olivia out of there and take her home. She hadn't known. When she came back, she remarked to Elliot while they were waiting on a jury once that Olivia seemed so different from before. Elliot looked at her with a smile, and said "you know Counselor, when she and I first started off, she would come to our house for dinner and barbecues and just sit there and stare. She would barely say a thing the first few times, just watch. Kathy thought she was shy, but I knew. This was the first normal family she had ever seen and she hadn't thought it was possible. She didn't know what to do with it. And now she wants things for herself, she lets herself have them sometimes. She isn't okay but she's better."

Elliot is gone. Olivia was assaulted.

Ashes, ashes we all fall down.


	4. Chapter 4

Author's Note: Thank you guys for all your kind and wonderful words!

Sometimes Alex feels too small, too thin to take on the weight of the life she lives. She goes home on Friday and sits scared in her apartment feeling raw and exposed. Now, as Tucker walks out of interrogation and Cragen pushes past her to make his way to Olivia, who sits immobile, she wonders how she will do this. Alex, who was born with a welcome mat in her mother's hands has never known want the way Olivia has, has never felt guilt at her own existence, has never considered herself the body of bad memories and stared lonesome and wondering into a crowd of happy people. Alex leaves the rooms as Cragen coaxes Olivia out of her chair, leads her to the door.

She calls Cragen an hour later, "How is she?"

"I don't know."

"What you mean? Where is she?"  
>"At her desk."<p>

"You didn't send her home?"

"Of course I did. Three hours ago."

"What's Tucker think he's got on her?"

"He's out for blood, Alex, has been with her for a while."

"What is this about her undercover-"

"You'll have to ask her about that one Counselor."

"Don,"

"No, not from me. Why don't you see if you can get her to go home?"

Alex waits a couple hours. Buys a latte. Shoots the shit with Novak until Casey puts her hand on Alex's and tells her to "quit being such a baby and get your ass down there to deal with Benson." She should be surprised at Casey's intuition, but Novak was there when Alex was Emily and Olivia has gotten easier to read every time she's come back.

It is dark outside when she gets there. The squadroom is almost empty, Olivia is filling out forms on her computer, and when Alex gets closer she can see that they are incident reports. Olivia doesn't turn towards her.

"Tucker's out for blood Olivia."

"I take it you watched the interview."

"Interrogation? Yes." Olivia spins her chair around, meets Alex's eyes.

"You had no right."  
>"I know. I'm sorry."<p>

"Why did you? What did you think you would get out of that?"

"I don't know." Olivia sighs. She looks tired, Alex thinks she always looks tired.

"You want to get some dinner?" Alex asks, and Olivia looks at her, lowers her shoulders, and replies, "Honestly Alex, I'm ready for this day to be over."

"Delivery then, we can pick up some beer on the way."

"You don't have to help me Alex. I'm fine."

"Come on. I'm hungry."

They end up at Olivia's, which is tiny and has heartbreaking pictures of the detective with her mother, Elliot, the squad, one with Alex and it kills her that these day to day work relations are family for this woman. Olivia moves like someone has taken all her skin, like one more word would slice her in half. The silence is long and sad. Alex can't find her voice, her hands can't stay still. Finally, Olivia looks at her,

"What are you doing Alex?" She doesn't know. She has no idea what she is doing because everything she left when she went to Washington has been uprooted and it's nothing like all the other times when she came back and they were fine. Her heavy little world has sunk to the bottom of the ocean because Elliot bailed and the person who needed him the most, the person that has given everything to hold it all together is wandering, hopeless and lonely and convinced, convinced from years of being told she had no one that she has no one.

"I missed you Olivia."

"You didn't' have to go."

"I know.

"I think you're trying to save me."

"I don't think you need saving."

"Then why are you here?"

"Because I want to be."

She wants to tell her that it's because Olivia held her shoulder together after she got shot and called her sweetie and told her to hang on and that she had been so scared and that the way Olivia says her name reminds her that Alex is her name because for a long time it wasn't. She can't say those things yet. Olivia will think Alex feels as if she owes Olivia something. Olivia doesn't think she's owed anything from anyone.

"What happened?"

"A lot has happened Alex."

"He said that you were-and then you were."

Olivia looks at her and Alex can't breathe because her eyes are so, so big and she is a beautiful woman, full and strong and unflinching except now she is flinching. Olivia looks down at her hands. Alex looks to the door, then back to Olivia. Finds her words, "I'm sorry. Now probably isn't the time, it isn't even my business."

"I was undercover, in a prison. Had the wrong guy in mind. Things got out of hand when the prison went on lockdown. I called attention to myself and got pulled out. He beat the shit out of me and tried to make me, he tried to make me-" Olivia looks at Alex, who can only whisper,

"Okay. I think I- I'm sorry Olivia. I'm really, I don't know. I wish that hadn't happened to you," which are victim words and paltry and she knows it. They both know it but Olivia accepts is because there is a lot sitting between them and not much to say about it.

"In therapy, they make you tell the story over and over again, in as much detail as you can. It's awful, but it works, you know? I was so far gone, I pulled a gun on a man that was completely innocent, and then, all it took was a few weeks of repetition and I was fine. And then Elliot found out and he lost his shit but we worked it out and then I got framed and I was so sick Alex, I was running this stupid fever the whole time and Elliot was hovering and I was so tired and mad and he put his house on the line to get me out of there because he knew, he knew I couldn't be locked up again. No one has ever done something like that for me before."

"And now he's gone." Alex isn't sure why she said it. Olivia looks at her, and her eyes are shining and her lips are pressed together and her voice breaks as she nods and says,

"I don't know what to do."


End file.
